I saw her and we talked about the past and those saltish things started welling up again and i feel more drained than ever. But i'm glad i have someone who's not a friend that i can talk to because you don't want to be a burden to your friends and it is sometimes nice to talk to someone who will never ever be your friend.

I read part of a book on the table which quoted, 'in solitude, where we are least alone' and understand it so well.

2 days to finals - 4 papers. And i have barely started, yet i can't make myself panic. What on earth is happening? I've seem to lost the ability to panic - just like how i've casually handed in almost all my essays late. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, WHAT? The mind keeps drifting off elsewhere. Stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit :[

A tribute to my cosy corner room on the 19th floor

feel the need to quickly express my love for this room:

I love how lonely my room is; it craves for my company, this oddly shaped space tucked in a corner of the 19th floor

This is my sanctuary, this quiet, private, calm space, a bubble. It hears footsteps and occasional voices, but never the sight of human disturbance.

On lovely breezy afternoons i lie on the bed with the door wide open, and feel such gratitude for so much privacy i can enjoy in this cool open space.

Granted, there are times where i feel as lonely as the room and wish one of those footsteps would get louder instead of disappear - or perhaps, for a bag of surprise that would find its way on the door knob.

Well, people generally show up just to disappear in a while. This room finds one or two (rather) frequent and different visitors each semester - and becomes a bubble for two when light sleeps, drunk on darkness.

A door creaks open, but nothing is headed my way - no need for a squeezed smile or random utterances of noises. The fan spins steadily while i nurse my backache on this lovely afternoon with the phone and laptop tucked away.

How will i ever move out of here... Not to mention how wonderful a view it has of the town green, src, erc and burning flames from the oil refineries  TEMBUSU I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

(22/7, 3:30)

People leave at their will, not yours

Can't

Living in the past and holding on to the achievements once earned. You have not grown.

too much pent up emotions

Ryuichi Sakamoto - Energy Flow

so much power such waves hold.

101 strings orchestra - white christmas

my favourite kind of christmas song.

i think of you when i think of music like these - and realise that getting the slightest form of recognition from you is so important. there must be other reasons as to why there is now a gap between us, but this must the greatest reason why i am unable to deal with this properly. this feeling of being thrown aside, as i have done to others.

I think of 2011 whenever I face problems with my self worth. This is the very note I've pasted into my ipod right before I entered the room, Kings of Convenience's misread playing in my ears. 

I often do not speak in front of  people, besides the ones who are extremely close to me. I was never sure of the reason, but when he tells us that "we speak because the world needs to hear what we have to say", i realised I've never thought of the value of my words to other people. Little, I'd think.


Up till now, I still don't understand what Marianne Williamson means by "our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure". I don't understand it, and all i seek for is to fully grasp what she means. 

I have not grown since two years ago; it is in the presence of others like him that helps me to. This is a note written by my teacher I respect greatly, to serve as a reminder at times like now. There must be something I must do about this heavy feeling.

“Three years ago, a person i hardly knew decided to contribute to my life by sharing with me a written verse from a woman called Marianne Williamson. Admittedly, at the beginning of our journey together I had no idea what it all meant ... a year later, this became one of the most significant pieces of literature that I personally choose to live by.

The piece is titled "our deepest fear" and it speaks such amazing wisdom into what we really experience as people; for our deepest fear is not that we will fail... but our deepest fear is that we will succeed. Why else do we spend time bashing ourselves up, doubting, not trusting ... why else do we reject or not listen to that tiny voice that tells us ever so often, "that you were meant for something great". why else do we not speak truth when we sense it, and put on a pedestal those people who do...

listen to what she says...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child, created for a purpose. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

too often students tell me how much i have changed their life and brought learning, healing and dignity to how they live... but what they do not hear is when i say time and again that I am only who I am because of you. It is something I pray that you can receive before you go into this exam for it is so essential that you understand your contribution to my life. At our last class this year I stayed in the audi just listening and reflecting to what my heart was telling me ... that I am filled with nothing but awe and gratitude for you trusting what we have learnt over the year. I am dignified by your openness. I am deeply encouraged by your response. and yes, I too am healed and do not feel alone because I know that there are others with me who also believe that we can make a difference to this world. So that last night, I went down on my knees and prayed for all of you ... that you would receive the same wisdom, love and blessing that you have each individually brought to my life.

I take this exam tomorrow, not because I want to compete with you, but because I want to be with you. To stand in solidarity with you. For we do not take this exam alone, we take it as a community of people who stand for excellence, but also for love. I take this exam so that you know that you are not alone in this endeavor to speak your voice, that there are 400 other students this year who shared the same experience as you ... that we take this exam not because we fear, but because the world needs us to speak.

This subject is more than just stringing a bunch of examples together. It is more than the mechanics of question analysis and argument. This subject is relevant to all of us, because it is about your voice. A clear one. An honest one. And if my life is anything to go by... your voice is one that can bring meaning, healing and dignity to the man or woman half way across the world that would be privileged to hear what you have to say.

Say something worth saying for this person is going to give you half an hour of their undivided time to listen... so make a difference to their life by giving them an argument worth remembering. And do not fear that your voice will be alone.. for it wont.

You see ... breakdowns happen everyday. Things do not go the way that we plan. And the main tool we have to any situation is rarely preparation but rather ingenuity and resourcefulness. Why Japan was so inspiring was because underneath all the flash of their technology and modernity was a country driven by deep resolve, wisdom and stoicism. That when the tsunami peeled back the layers of their civilsation, it did not expose chaos, evilness and disarray ... but rather a community of people who knew who they were. Japan spoke more to the world through their actions and silence than most of the meaningless noise that we hear today.

It is my prayer that each of us find grounding in the truth that we are no different. For beneath the layers of all that we have prepared also lies resourcefulness. clarity. I know that we might feel anxious or scared ... and if we do, know that you are not alone in that emotion. know that I am also with you. and perhaps more mportant, know that many many prayers are also upon you.

Thank you for this year.

It was my privilege to have served you.

For now, we go into the exam as equals. as partners.

I wish you all the very very best.”

-----------


“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child, created for a purpose. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

withdrawing back into my private space, turning back into who i was many years ago. the past keeps resurfacing these days, these feelings i have now remind me of it. i feel distant and detached from everyone, i have brought people down with my confusion.

-

people come and go. you thought the one or two would make an exception and stay for a much longer ride, but nobody can beat against the current.

no, do something about it. 

-

why is it always so sad?
it is exceptionally sad today.

fool, look outwards. look beyond.

look up and talk to others.
you should be enough.
you are enough.

"Less of me. More of you."

hi i hope you don't mind me sharing this :)

-

It’s easy to feel uncared for when people aren’t able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need. And it’s so hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection on your worth. But the truth is that the way other people operate is not about you. Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they’re doing doesn’t even cross their mind. They aren’t inherently bad or uncaring — they’re just busy and self-focused. And that’s okay. It’s not evidence of some fundamental failing on your part. It doesn’t make you unloveable or invisible. It just means that those people aren’t very good at looking beyond their own world. But the fact that you are — that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others — is a strength. Your work isn’t to change who you are; it’s to find people who are able to give you the connection you need. Because despite what you feel, you are not too much. You are not too sensitive or too needy. You are thoughtful and empathetic. You are compassionate and kind. And with or without anyone’s acknowledgment or affection, you are enough. 

written by Daniell Koepke (via internal-acceptance-movement)

-

△

your deliberate distance is upsetting. 

(though it seems like it's forbidden to feel this way)

i. courage and initiative.

ii. look outwards, look beyond you.
notice the people around, care for them.

The very thought that i will be unimpressive
Is paralyzing. Terrifying.

I'd rather not try.
No point trying if you will not impress.
I stopped trying.

-

But try you must,
Let your mediocrity be known, if that be the truth
Stroke after stroke, of varying consistencies -- tracked progress
There is value in both progress and excellence.

-

It is a stubborn insistence, this view that the effortlessly amazing ones are the only admirable ones. You want to be that person, but you can't, so divert your ideals elsewhere.

Ideals are also standards you set for yourself before the others impose theirs on you. Ideals are a safety net. Grow up already.

Gave up too soon

there is a dull existence trying, in vain, to blow life into a dead body which was claimed as 'mine' just a few hours ago..

-

pasting this everywhere just in case I can't be found anywhere.

the air is sterile.
i like it. 
i like being away from people.

people scare the shit out of me sometimes.
by that, i mean 
being linked to people scares the shit out of me.

i can't accept myself.
i can't accept anyone.

people don't see you as yourself when you're with others.
that scares me.
a hell lot.

because that means there's only half of me within control.

Gave up.

choose the red pill and TAKE IT.

Sometimes you find articles that express every single thought on your mind; those that you're already fully conscious of but never had the time and energy to pen down:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/06/why-perfectionism-is-ruin_n_4212069.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

sigh.

in there they scream, let me out, let me out. let me out.
till it runs dry.

this i will be seen as you in all instances except this
the beetle in the box.